Yesterday, I had a late afternoon/early evening therapy appt with (obviously) my therapist. I had decided several days ago that I would bring in my "Noah" stuff and tell her our story.. our short yet very long story. I basically talked the whole time, and really only my first 3 days in the hospital - the 3 days leading to/during/shortly after Noah's birth. I really felt like I needed to tell her my story in order for her really to understand every thing I've been through - even though she really didn't NEED an explanation, per se. She's already compassionate but it was really my way of starting to open up. And for me, at this point, tell his story is a lot less emotional then it used to be - I've shared it so many times that for me, it's more like the door to my heart, not really the depths of my heart - if that makes sense. Don't get me wrong though, I still cried talking about certain points in our story. It's actually interesting looking back at previous times I've told our story - I've gotten emotional at different points - I try to just embrace the tears and not analyze them.
So anyways, I was talking, talking, talking - and really, I thought she was starting to get emotional at certain points in our journey but I kind of dismissed it as like, she can't be EMOTIONALLY connected to my story - we've only met for 4 hours over the past 4 weeks. But then I started to get choked up - and there was a long pause as I tried to compose myself. She got up and grabbed the tissues. She pulled two tissues out - I thought she was going to give them to me - but she took them for herself - that's when I realized that my story was hard (maybe not hard) for her too. She then handed me the box. And I continued on. I talked basically the whole hour about our story - of course I (not intensionally) left some things out but really I relived my memory of our story. Holding Noah's hand, kissing him, all the meds they had to insert over 6 hours, feeling of labor, etc. Start to finish.
We ended up talking for about an hour and a 1/2 - the bonus of being the last appt for the day, I guess. She started telling me a little about her journey to parenthood and I don't think I'll forget what she said - She described a scene of her life. She and her husband - I think after a few years of trying for a baby - sitting out on their back screened in porch. She said to him - I really can't tell you why or how I know this but I know, I know deep in my heart and soul that I have a daughter waiting for me.. and I can't give up on her.
I don't know that I know a specific gender - but that is exactly how I feel. I don't know why or how, but I deeply feel like I am supposed to have a baby and I'm not ready to throw in the towel on finding him. I can't give up - not yet.
I always sleep so much better after I see her. Man, I slept so well last night - after a several nights of being up in the middle of the night. I guess I just get this sense that - even if it's going to be hard, it's going to get better. And we're going to work through this together. I'm not alone anymore. And hopefully, hopefully, she'll help me get through a pregnancy.
So anyways, I was talking, talking, talking - and really, I thought she was starting to get emotional at certain points in our journey but I kind of dismissed it as like, she can't be EMOTIONALLY connected to my story - we've only met for 4 hours over the past 4 weeks. But then I started to get choked up - and there was a long pause as I tried to compose myself. She got up and grabbed the tissues. She pulled two tissues out - I thought she was going to give them to me - but she took them for herself - that's when I realized that my story was hard (maybe not hard) for her too. She then handed me the box. And I continued on. I talked basically the whole hour about our story - of course I (not intensionally) left some things out but really I relived my memory of our story. Holding Noah's hand, kissing him, all the meds they had to insert over 6 hours, feeling of labor, etc. Start to finish.
We ended up talking for about an hour and a 1/2 - the bonus of being the last appt for the day, I guess. She started telling me a little about her journey to parenthood and I don't think I'll forget what she said - She described a scene of her life. She and her husband - I think after a few years of trying for a baby - sitting out on their back screened in porch. She said to him - I really can't tell you why or how I know this but I know, I know deep in my heart and soul that I have a daughter waiting for me.. and I can't give up on her.
I don't know that I know a specific gender - but that is exactly how I feel. I don't know why or how, but I deeply feel like I am supposed to have a baby and I'm not ready to throw in the towel on finding him. I can't give up - not yet.
I always sleep so much better after I see her. Man, I slept so well last night - after a several nights of being up in the middle of the night. I guess I just get this sense that - even if it's going to be hard, it's going to get better. And we're going to work through this together. I'm not alone anymore. And hopefully, hopefully, she'll help me get through a pregnancy.