A strange thing happened on Thursday - I was driving from my apt back to work at lunch time when my right hand started to go numb/tingly. At first I really wasn't too concerns.. just thought it was odd but then the tingling started moving up my arm, then onto my chest, down to my stomach to my legs up to my cheeks, tongue and forehead. This had never happened before so I was pretty concerned. I called my husband and his recommendation was to go to the hospital. Obviously, I didn't think it was nothing but I also didn't want to go if it was just something passing through.. but I ended up driving myself to the hospital.
After being admitted, I was almost immediately put on an EKG machine and sent to have a CAT scan of my brain. As time passed, the feeling returned to my hands and body but typical symptoms of my migraines began to surface. As you're aware, I have several blood conditions which make me nervous all the time and the reality is that I have a higher risk for strokes and heart attacks then most people. So I was freaked. And, I while I don't think my ER doctor was freaked, she was concerned. Particularly with my HELLP history. So she sent me over to get an MRI done. Once the results came back, coupled with my conditions, there was additional concerns and she wanted me to be transferred to the hospital where I delivered Noah.
I didn't get there until midnight or so. I met with 2 GP doctors who were terribly misinformed regarding my condition and consequently made my mom and I pretty nervous about the condition of my brain - they thought I had blood clots in my brain. And said that I would be on blood thinners for the rest of my life. That's pretty devastating to hear but I just had this feeling that they were wrong. The following day, the neurologist came into speak with us. He confirmed that there were some abnormalities on my brain but they were not in correspondence with the issues I was having the day before. And while they were abnormal, there is no impact (not bad/not good) on my life and that the events from the day before were most likely due to a very severe migraine. He did want to 100% rule out a stroke so he ordered me a sonogram of my heart and of the arteries in my neck. Both of these, mostly the heart was really cool.
Anyways, the point of all this is really to talk about a confrontation I had with my father.
Of course he didn't bother to show up.. again. In fact his response after he found out I was in the hospital was.. "okay, I can come on Sunday." Nothing says a big "fuck you" like that. I'm not sick on Sunday, I'm sick now - yes, when it's not convenient for YOU! He also has the nerve of saying shit like, "Oh Linda (his long distance girl friend who I've met twice) is curious how you're doing."
While I spent the majority of the time rolling my eyes at these comments, I tried to let them go.. until Sunday.
I'm really not a person who, once something is on my mind, can let it go, dismiss or even bite my tongue. So for the past 11 months, my father has been completely dismissive over the loss of my son. I can remember once, one time that he actually sounded sincere about being sorry. But since then, he has never mentioned Noah and frankly doesn't give a shit about him - to him Noah never existed.
So on Sunday, I called him out on it. He was talking about god knows what, like always (our "conversations" are always all about him), so he going on and on about a fucking root canal that he has to have done. And after he's done I asked him "do you even know when my son's birthday is?" His response, who? You mean Noah? Uhhh, well no. "Do you know why that would be important to me?" I responded. "Um, well..." Frankly, I don't remember his response but I do remember at the end of our conversation him saying. "You know, what's important to me is your health. You being healthy is what I'm most concerned about. You just need to get over this and I don't understand why you have to keep reliving a tragedy. My sister and cousin both had miscarriages and they just moved on. You just need to get over it." My response was - I'm not sure why that matters.. I'm not them, it was a different time when people didn't talk about losses like we do now. My loss was not a miscarriage, it was a still birth, and those are different. (For Christ sake, I nearly died!!) He continues, "and I don't think you want me to get into an argument about when life begins." And I was just like, "you know, you're right, I don't." And I hung up.
What is most baffling about this whole conversation is him "trying" to convince me that he cares about my health.. Okay, let's take a look back..
I was on deaths door and hospitalized for 9, NINE, days when I had my son.. attempts to visit - none, 0, nada. Then I was hospitalized for 2 additional days - "Oh, I can come on Sunday." 4 days after I checked into the ER - so OBVIOUSLY you're not concerned for my physical health. So let's looks at other types of health - mental - nope, can't even bring up my son or anything that I've endured. Spiritual - yeah right, he's the closest person I know to satan.
So tell me, DAD, which type of health are you really trying to support? Because you've been absent for all the major "health" areas just like you've been absent from the majority of my life!
I guess needless to say, I've been extremely hurt by my father.. and well I'm not sure I know where this is all going. I disgusted by the way he's treated me and the loss of my child. It's hard to not just want to write him off all together - I really don't ever want to speak to him again - Frankly he gives me nothing - I have taken care of him my whole life - he is quite possibly the most selfish person I know and I don't really think I need to be around that, particularly now but possibly in the future as well. But the truth is, I can't make him care about me. It's a hard reality to face - but it's my reality and unfortunately this might be another secondary loss that I have to grieve.
Luckily I was able to schedule an emergency session with my therapist - She just really helps me process through, even though I still don't know what it all means, it's just nice having a sounding board. She also recommended that I write a fake letter to my father just expressing everything that I've kept bottled up for the past 11 months. I honestly think this blog helped a little as well but I'm (in the present moment) feeling peaceful about letting my "father-daughter" relationship go. Not necessarily having no relationship, but more like an acquaintance relationship - more or less what it has been - and just letting the idea of him being an involved grandfather go and really any sort of significant relationship go. He is who he is - he has always been this selfish person and I guess now I'm just able to see it more clearly.