We've still got a few days left in January and since I've written the last time, there are have been changes, updates, and new happenings.
As far as I can tell and after I've consulted with a few practitioners, I feel like there is really no reason to worry about being infertile post d&c - so I've let that worry go.
About 3 weeks ago, I started meeting with a grief counselor. She specializes in infertility. pregnancy/baby loss. And so far, I really do like her. I'm, personally, a little awkward to deal with.. at least for now. She and I don't really KNOW each other yet.. and we'll I'm a little more reserved when I don't know people as well as I would like before truly opening myself up to them. We're getting closer but not there yet.
Last week, I met with my MFM - she is a freaking saint. In my eyes, she could do no wrong. Obviously, a bit of an exaggeration, but serious though. So I was pretty nervous (my BP was 141/86. Normally I'm a perfect 120/80) about the appt even though I was confident that she wasn't going to say, okay, now that you've lost again, don't try anymore.
So we sat down, she totally took charge. "Okay, tell me about what happen, when did you find out you were pregnant, when did you start Lovenox, when this, when that, etc etc." So she had my full timeline with the blueberry baby. I know, logically, there really is nothing that could have been done to prevent that loss but I was pretty focused on wanting to know her option about treatment/intervention variation. So I started suggesting different variations. And in the end, she was open to all of them.. I was shocked. And she said, you know, these are all good options, you let me know which one you want to go with and we'll do that. I was like.. wait what? Okay that was easy. haha.
I asked her a variety of other questions as well but really my main focus was to learn about our risk loss - I've read numerous places that the risk of losing for APS patients actually increases as the pregnancy moves along. Obviously, if that's the case, I DO NOT want to try again. I can't bear the thought of losing another 2nd trimester baby. No one wants to loose any baby at any time in their pregnancy but a late term loss is just unbearable. So, she didn't really have a fact or figure for me but she put my concern to rest. And that for me, was my deal breaker. So I'm glad it's something that I shouldn't focus on as we move forward.
Towards the end, I casually mentioned my therapist - frankly I don't even remember what I said about her. But I think that triggered, okay, this person is hurting - let me care for her in a different way. So she begins by totally opening her heart to me. I know to her, it's probably not the first time she's ever disclosed her pregnancy issues but with most doctors, they don't really open up to you. At least not the ones I've been dealing with post blueberry. So she just started, I totally know how you're feeling, I've been there too and frankly, it sucks. And it's hard, really hard. But I do believe we can get you a baby but I can't promise you're not going to loose again - it could happen. Pregnancy for you and I is not fun, it's not sunshine and roses but it is worth it in the end. But I don't know how much you and your husband can take, emotionally. That's something you guys have to decide.
I know it doesn't seem like much, but my two other practitioners, the ones who were caring for me right after we found out we lost the blueberry - were just so cold and just looked at me like, will you just consent to the d&c already. I needed space in those moments, someone to tell me that losing, even at 9 weeks, was valid. But nothing - just why are you making this a big deal, attitude.
But this doctor, someone who is facts and figures, one who's direct and probably has had to work at bedside manner, was just amazing to me - truly cared for my whole self - something that I was not anticipating at all. I didn't cry- I think because I was so caught off guard and really not in the mind set of "she's going to care for me, emotionally."
So anyways, I believe we will not "TRY" again for another baby for a while but we're not going to be preventing a baby.
After my appt, I went downtown where there is a small butterfly sanctuary - it was SMALL but it's all I needed. This sweet little blue and black butterfly was loving on me basically the whole I was there. I loved every second that he landed on me and "licked my hands or neck. :) It was so sacred to me. And I ended up signing up to be a volunteer. I haven't been contacted yet, but I look forward to being there more regularly.
Early this week, I had a follow up with the Dr. who did my d&c - she was less then impressive, again. But I was able to break up with her and tell her that I wanted to see the Dr. who has worked very closely with my MFM during his residency. I don't think she was heartbroken.. not one bit. haha. My BP was back to normal - 120/80 - so it must have just been my MFM appt that caused that spike.
So we shall see - I'm anticipating my period sometime in the next week or so - not anxious about it but waiting for it to come is like a giant question mark. But it's nothing that I can control so I'm just letting that one go.
And my therapist says that I probably just need to accept my craziness that I have become. And in a weird way, I think just accepting myself as I am, actually helps me think about all the things I hate about my new self and I think they are going away on their own. So I'll just keep embracing my crazy and hopefully it'll keep going away.
I don't suspect there will be anything big in the next few months. I'll be meeting with my new Dr. at the end of March for my annual.. Assuming I don't become pregnant before then.
I like writing, this is certainly more about me then it is about you.. whoever you are. So til next time..
As far as I can tell and after I've consulted with a few practitioners, I feel like there is really no reason to worry about being infertile post d&c - so I've let that worry go.
About 3 weeks ago, I started meeting with a grief counselor. She specializes in infertility. pregnancy/baby loss. And so far, I really do like her. I'm, personally, a little awkward to deal with.. at least for now. She and I don't really KNOW each other yet.. and we'll I'm a little more reserved when I don't know people as well as I would like before truly opening myself up to them. We're getting closer but not there yet.
Last week, I met with my MFM - she is a freaking saint. In my eyes, she could do no wrong. Obviously, a bit of an exaggeration, but serious though. So I was pretty nervous (my BP was 141/86. Normally I'm a perfect 120/80) about the appt even though I was confident that she wasn't going to say, okay, now that you've lost again, don't try anymore.
So we sat down, she totally took charge. "Okay, tell me about what happen, when did you find out you were pregnant, when did you start Lovenox, when this, when that, etc etc." So she had my full timeline with the blueberry baby. I know, logically, there really is nothing that could have been done to prevent that loss but I was pretty focused on wanting to know her option about treatment/intervention variation. So I started suggesting different variations. And in the end, she was open to all of them.. I was shocked. And she said, you know, these are all good options, you let me know which one you want to go with and we'll do that. I was like.. wait what? Okay that was easy. haha.
I asked her a variety of other questions as well but really my main focus was to learn about our risk loss - I've read numerous places that the risk of losing for APS patients actually increases as the pregnancy moves along. Obviously, if that's the case, I DO NOT want to try again. I can't bear the thought of losing another 2nd trimester baby. No one wants to loose any baby at any time in their pregnancy but a late term loss is just unbearable. So, she didn't really have a fact or figure for me but she put my concern to rest. And that for me, was my deal breaker. So I'm glad it's something that I shouldn't focus on as we move forward.
Towards the end, I casually mentioned my therapist - frankly I don't even remember what I said about her. But I think that triggered, okay, this person is hurting - let me care for her in a different way. So she begins by totally opening her heart to me. I know to her, it's probably not the first time she's ever disclosed her pregnancy issues but with most doctors, they don't really open up to you. At least not the ones I've been dealing with post blueberry. So she just started, I totally know how you're feeling, I've been there too and frankly, it sucks. And it's hard, really hard. But I do believe we can get you a baby but I can't promise you're not going to loose again - it could happen. Pregnancy for you and I is not fun, it's not sunshine and roses but it is worth it in the end. But I don't know how much you and your husband can take, emotionally. That's something you guys have to decide.
I know it doesn't seem like much, but my two other practitioners, the ones who were caring for me right after we found out we lost the blueberry - were just so cold and just looked at me like, will you just consent to the d&c already. I needed space in those moments, someone to tell me that losing, even at 9 weeks, was valid. But nothing - just why are you making this a big deal, attitude.
But this doctor, someone who is facts and figures, one who's direct and probably has had to work at bedside manner, was just amazing to me - truly cared for my whole self - something that I was not anticipating at all. I didn't cry- I think because I was so caught off guard and really not in the mind set of "she's going to care for me, emotionally."
So anyways, I believe we will not "TRY" again for another baby for a while but we're not going to be preventing a baby.
After my appt, I went downtown where there is a small butterfly sanctuary - it was SMALL but it's all I needed. This sweet little blue and black butterfly was loving on me basically the whole I was there. I loved every second that he landed on me and "licked my hands or neck. :) It was so sacred to me. And I ended up signing up to be a volunteer. I haven't been contacted yet, but I look forward to being there more regularly.
Early this week, I had a follow up with the Dr. who did my d&c - she was less then impressive, again. But I was able to break up with her and tell her that I wanted to see the Dr. who has worked very closely with my MFM during his residency. I don't think she was heartbroken.. not one bit. haha. My BP was back to normal - 120/80 - so it must have just been my MFM appt that caused that spike.
So we shall see - I'm anticipating my period sometime in the next week or so - not anxious about it but waiting for it to come is like a giant question mark. But it's nothing that I can control so I'm just letting that one go.
And my therapist says that I probably just need to accept my craziness that I have become. And in a weird way, I think just accepting myself as I am, actually helps me think about all the things I hate about my new self and I think they are going away on their own. So I'll just keep embracing my crazy and hopefully it'll keep going away.
I don't suspect there will be anything big in the next few months. I'll be meeting with my new Dr. at the end of March for my annual.. Assuming I don't become pregnant before then.
I like writing, this is certainly more about me then it is about you.. whoever you are. So til next time..