This past weekend I realized just how far I've come.
Maybe 2 weeks after being released from the hospital, my husband and I went to a local park for a picnic and hike. The hike was more of an uphill, 2 miles walk eventually reaching beautiful waterfalls. We decided to take the more interesting route along the river.. so interesting that we came across 3 snakes.. nothing like getting the heart pumping like snakes do!
For whatever reason, this hike was just too much for me - I mean, the reason isn't a mystery - I hadn't been excersizing my whole pregnancy and I had just been laid up in bed for 9 straight says - not to even mention my emotional despair.
We made it about 1/2 way and I just couldn't.. I couldn't go any further. I was disappointed and so was my husband. He just kinda looked at me like, really, we've only gone like 1 mile. But alas, he understood and we turned around and walked back to the car and we left.
This was probably almost exactly 7 months ago.
This past weekend, it was amazingly gorgeous and we decided to go back to that hike and try again. This time we did not walk along the river but up the other trail which was more or less just an uphill walking path. We had a really nice time, just talking and eventually the conversation got deep.
I said to him, "you know, there were moments when I didn't think I'd make it. Moments when I wanted to give up. Moments that I just wanted to die and be reunited with my son. It's amazing to me how far I've come. And here we are, hiking this hike that I couldn't get past, couldn't get through - and here we are hiking it - all of it.. and it's not particularly challenging."
He responded, I know.. it's weird how time does that. How it just moves on whether we want it to or not and in the moments of us wanting to hold on - it keeps going. It keeps passing and somehow that is a blessing.
We've lost a lot this year.. but we've also gained a too. I've been dreading this season ever since we said goodbye to Noah - and here it is.. and soon it'll be gone, just like everything else. So even though I'm still heartbroken and cry maybe more then I should, I'll try and focus on the things I've gained, even if that means a son in heaven.
Maybe 2 weeks after being released from the hospital, my husband and I went to a local park for a picnic and hike. The hike was more of an uphill, 2 miles walk eventually reaching beautiful waterfalls. We decided to take the more interesting route along the river.. so interesting that we came across 3 snakes.. nothing like getting the heart pumping like snakes do!
For whatever reason, this hike was just too much for me - I mean, the reason isn't a mystery - I hadn't been excersizing my whole pregnancy and I had just been laid up in bed for 9 straight says - not to even mention my emotional despair.
We made it about 1/2 way and I just couldn't.. I couldn't go any further. I was disappointed and so was my husband. He just kinda looked at me like, really, we've only gone like 1 mile. But alas, he understood and we turned around and walked back to the car and we left.
This was probably almost exactly 7 months ago.
This past weekend, it was amazingly gorgeous and we decided to go back to that hike and try again. This time we did not walk along the river but up the other trail which was more or less just an uphill walking path. We had a really nice time, just talking and eventually the conversation got deep.
I said to him, "you know, there were moments when I didn't think I'd make it. Moments when I wanted to give up. Moments that I just wanted to die and be reunited with my son. It's amazing to me how far I've come. And here we are, hiking this hike that I couldn't get past, couldn't get through - and here we are hiking it - all of it.. and it's not particularly challenging."
He responded, I know.. it's weird how time does that. How it just moves on whether we want it to or not and in the moments of us wanting to hold on - it keeps going. It keeps passing and somehow that is a blessing.
We've lost a lot this year.. but we've also gained a too. I've been dreading this season ever since we said goodbye to Noah - and here it is.. and soon it'll be gone, just like everything else. So even though I'm still heartbroken and cry maybe more then I should, I'll try and focus on the things I've gained, even if that means a son in heaven.