It it begins - when I start reliving my old life.. trying to reconnect with the old happy me, my old self before my world came crashing down.
Today, a year ago, was our first ultrasound with Noah. I often refer to it as the happiest day of my life.. and honestly, at least for the foreseeable future, it will continue to be. I remember being so nervous going into that appointment. I had just moved, started a new job, had no friends in the area, and I was holding a giant secret from everyone but my husband (and a few friends). I was 11w3d when this appointment came around. It was right after a giant snow storm. I remember, the receptionist called to reschedule my appt bc of the weather.. and oh man, did I give her hell. Poor lady. She wanted to push it back another 2-3 weeks and I was like hell no. Plus, my husband came to town JUST for this appt, although we lied to everyone saying he came down for valentines day. Ha, we couldn't care less about valentines day.
Anyways, I bitched and moaned and the scheduler was like okay, let me call you back. And an hour or so later, they had an appt for me later that day.
So I want to say that Wayne picked me up from work and off we went to the doctors. I was so so nervous that we weren't pregnant. I mean the first LONG part of the pregnancy you don't know anything about whats going on to the baby and well, we could have lost the baby weeks ago or there would be no heartbeat or any number of things could have gone wrong and I would have never known.
And of course, this is my first time, so I have no idea what to expect. So they call me back to give a urine sample and then eventually we go back to a room.. still really no idea and super nervous. The nurse says whatever she said and a few minutes later, my midwife showed up. I'd never met her before, but I pretty much knew from the beginning I was going to like her.
So I get situated and she does her thing with the "tools" to begin looking for a baby. She turns on the machine, and immediately, there was Noah. I fell in love, I mean, shoot, I was already in love with the baby I didn't know if I was actually carrying or not. Both Wayne and I started to cry.. like not sobbing cry just joyful tears. There was our baby. And probably 2 second after that, I said, is there a heartbeat.. and I saw the little flash of his little beating heart. I was probably still shaking, but there he was, perfect in all ways. He had a strong strong heartbeat and he was perfect in size, measuring 2 days bigger then predicted.
It was the most magical moment in my life.
And of course, now, reflecting back, I want to saver that happiness because I've nearly lost my will to live. I know it'll never be the same, even if Noah lived, nothing will ever compare to our first. But I do know, that if Noah did live, that ultrasound wouldn't be my happiest day of my life. And of course, I'm left with nothing in the aftermath, except fear and anxiety for any future pregnancies.
Talking with a friend who also lost - and I can't remember how we got onto the subject but I was saying to her that we used to be the beautifully perfect vases but they've since been shattered and we've been working to glue the back together... And even when we're back together, if you look closely we'll always have the cracks, the scars. they will never go away and we'll never have a joyous pregnancy(ies) we've been tainted - carefree pregnancies will never happen for us.
So - today and last night have been super hard for me. I've been feeling super hopeless - I'm just tired of the deal I've been dealt. I prayed so much last night that God would just take away my heartbeat. That I just wouldn't wake up.. it just doesn't seem worth it right now.
I hate the position I'm in, I hate that I lost my kid, I hate that I've lost myself. I hate who I am. I'm devastated and it feels like it's not getting better - in fact I asked others if it gets better.. and well the answer is no. At least from their perspective.
No one should have to experience this. No one.
Today, a year ago, was our first ultrasound with Noah. I often refer to it as the happiest day of my life.. and honestly, at least for the foreseeable future, it will continue to be. I remember being so nervous going into that appointment. I had just moved, started a new job, had no friends in the area, and I was holding a giant secret from everyone but my husband (and a few friends). I was 11w3d when this appointment came around. It was right after a giant snow storm. I remember, the receptionist called to reschedule my appt bc of the weather.. and oh man, did I give her hell. Poor lady. She wanted to push it back another 2-3 weeks and I was like hell no. Plus, my husband came to town JUST for this appt, although we lied to everyone saying he came down for valentines day. Ha, we couldn't care less about valentines day.
Anyways, I bitched and moaned and the scheduler was like okay, let me call you back. And an hour or so later, they had an appt for me later that day.
So I want to say that Wayne picked me up from work and off we went to the doctors. I was so so nervous that we weren't pregnant. I mean the first LONG part of the pregnancy you don't know anything about whats going on to the baby and well, we could have lost the baby weeks ago or there would be no heartbeat or any number of things could have gone wrong and I would have never known.
And of course, this is my first time, so I have no idea what to expect. So they call me back to give a urine sample and then eventually we go back to a room.. still really no idea and super nervous. The nurse says whatever she said and a few minutes later, my midwife showed up. I'd never met her before, but I pretty much knew from the beginning I was going to like her.
So I get situated and she does her thing with the "tools" to begin looking for a baby. She turns on the machine, and immediately, there was Noah. I fell in love, I mean, shoot, I was already in love with the baby I didn't know if I was actually carrying or not. Both Wayne and I started to cry.. like not sobbing cry just joyful tears. There was our baby. And probably 2 second after that, I said, is there a heartbeat.. and I saw the little flash of his little beating heart. I was probably still shaking, but there he was, perfect in all ways. He had a strong strong heartbeat and he was perfect in size, measuring 2 days bigger then predicted.
It was the most magical moment in my life.
And of course, now, reflecting back, I want to saver that happiness because I've nearly lost my will to live. I know it'll never be the same, even if Noah lived, nothing will ever compare to our first. But I do know, that if Noah did live, that ultrasound wouldn't be my happiest day of my life. And of course, I'm left with nothing in the aftermath, except fear and anxiety for any future pregnancies.
Talking with a friend who also lost - and I can't remember how we got onto the subject but I was saying to her that we used to be the beautifully perfect vases but they've since been shattered and we've been working to glue the back together... And even when we're back together, if you look closely we'll always have the cracks, the scars. they will never go away and we'll never have a joyous pregnancy(ies) we've been tainted - carefree pregnancies will never happen for us.
So - today and last night have been super hard for me. I've been feeling super hopeless - I'm just tired of the deal I've been dealt. I prayed so much last night that God would just take away my heartbeat. That I just wouldn't wake up.. it just doesn't seem worth it right now.
I hate the position I'm in, I hate that I lost my kid, I hate that I've lost myself. I hate who I am. I'm devastated and it feels like it's not getting better - in fact I asked others if it gets better.. and well the answer is no. At least from their perspective.
No one should have to experience this. No one.