Well, I'm going to on the record that this might be too much information.. but frankly, I don't care.
Pretty much ever since my D&C, I've been nervous. Not too too nervous but there is a small, small possibility that the D&C procedure can cause infertility. And of course, it was my first "surgery" that truly had significant risks like that - so even though rare, I've been nervous - even though I've asked several doctors and they've all told me not to worry. No one has told me about any warning signs as to things have gone wrong but I guess, in my mind, the first thing to go right is restarting my period. I haven't had one since October and well, last year I didn't have many either.. well because I was pregnant.
So, after Noah, it took 40 days for it to return. Everything I've read has said that the duration post loss event and the return is proportional to the length of the pregnancy. So 21 wks vs 9 - in my mind it should have arrived last week or perhaps the week before but no, nothing. While I've been having some cramping, nothing visual nothing really to make me feel better that my body was returning to normal.
So on Friday - I was able to message my midwife. It's actually a really nice feature, but certainly my concern was not urgent, I didn't need to waste time on the phone or waiting by the phone for her to return my call. So just a quick email through they network system was really nice. Her response, not immediate - but I really didn't know WHO would get the email and if it would in fact be her.. so I kinda wrote a specifically generic message to her. She obviously is well aware of our situation, she knows me very well.. for a practitioner. I think if we met in real life, we could be friends but that's besides the point.
So it's like 7:30 at night and she messages me back.. I, having worked for many many years in a job that had very poor work/life balance, I started my message back to her saying, I hope you're working tonight.. because in my mind, I want her to know she needs to be present in her home life too.. like GO HOME.. this little thing can wait until Monday. Although, I did REALLY appreciate her response.
So she gave me her two cents, and it made me feel SO much better.. helped me have a better weekend vs worrying about things.
So basically all weekend, I noticed super light cramping and was just like.. can I JUST get this over with.. like this is annoying. It's just this constant nag of like.. okay when is this going to happen???
So Sunday, after a week of a sick husband, we were able to engage in some "amorous" activities which is something that has always encouraged the return of my "friend." And well, it worked, finally, it's back and now just kinda going through those motions.
But it's really just a huge relief!
And while I haven't messaged my midwife back to inform her of my status, I did message her back the night of our original message.
So this whole, "let's have a baby" thing is obviously very emotional. I have ALWAYS been a very logical person - every decision I make, up until we lost Noah, has primarily been based off of what makes the most sense. But after loosing Noah, I've really struggled in this dichotomy of logic and feeling. I was so SO sick with Noah, it makes absolutely NO sense what so ever that we would want to try again. Then we loose another baby and here we are, still not willing to give up.. but it makes no logical sense - it is all purely emotional. And well, of course, this doesn't make sense to me.. so I've been really wrestling with these two things.
So of course, I've been looking for places to make logical decisions.. and the only one right now that I can come up with is who will primarily care for me when were pregnant again. So casually when meeting with my MFM, she said that one of the doctors did his residency in her office.. and that sometimes he just calls her on a whim to ask her a quick question.. She said that and I was like.. ugh, JACKPOT. I need that doctor. A doctor who won't be intimidated by my MFM, someone who understands how she communicates and is just generally more comfortable with her and won't freak out! It will, hopefully, help me stay calm when changes or alterations come in our path towards a healthy pregnancy.
So anyways, this of course makes me feel sad because I love my midwife so so much but I know and she knows, I'm outside of her training. And well, a few weeks ago I asked her if I should see someone else and she initially said no but then was like well maybe if I can help co-manage with one of the doctors at her practice that might be the best solution.
Of course, right now, I'm not pregnant, I don't intend on becoming pregnant any time soon but through this email system, I was kinda able to tell her about my thought process and let her know I was going to be seeing another doctor and hopefully she could help co-manage one day.
I really hate leaving things unsaid - like just being in a place of no closure. And while this isn't closure, I'm still able to say, this is what I've decided and I don't want you to be surprised. And yes, this is ONE logical decision I can make and feel good about. I know she's invested in me and my family so it's important to me to tell her.
Pretty much ever since my D&C, I've been nervous. Not too too nervous but there is a small, small possibility that the D&C procedure can cause infertility. And of course, it was my first "surgery" that truly had significant risks like that - so even though rare, I've been nervous - even though I've asked several doctors and they've all told me not to worry. No one has told me about any warning signs as to things have gone wrong but I guess, in my mind, the first thing to go right is restarting my period. I haven't had one since October and well, last year I didn't have many either.. well because I was pregnant.
So, after Noah, it took 40 days for it to return. Everything I've read has said that the duration post loss event and the return is proportional to the length of the pregnancy. So 21 wks vs 9 - in my mind it should have arrived last week or perhaps the week before but no, nothing. While I've been having some cramping, nothing visual nothing really to make me feel better that my body was returning to normal.
So on Friday - I was able to message my midwife. It's actually a really nice feature, but certainly my concern was not urgent, I didn't need to waste time on the phone or waiting by the phone for her to return my call. So just a quick email through they network system was really nice. Her response, not immediate - but I really didn't know WHO would get the email and if it would in fact be her.. so I kinda wrote a specifically generic message to her. She obviously is well aware of our situation, she knows me very well.. for a practitioner. I think if we met in real life, we could be friends but that's besides the point.
So it's like 7:30 at night and she messages me back.. I, having worked for many many years in a job that had very poor work/life balance, I started my message back to her saying, I hope you're working tonight.. because in my mind, I want her to know she needs to be present in her home life too.. like GO HOME.. this little thing can wait until Monday. Although, I did REALLY appreciate her response.
So she gave me her two cents, and it made me feel SO much better.. helped me have a better weekend vs worrying about things.
So basically all weekend, I noticed super light cramping and was just like.. can I JUST get this over with.. like this is annoying. It's just this constant nag of like.. okay when is this going to happen???
So Sunday, after a week of a sick husband, we were able to engage in some "amorous" activities which is something that has always encouraged the return of my "friend." And well, it worked, finally, it's back and now just kinda going through those motions.
But it's really just a huge relief!
And while I haven't messaged my midwife back to inform her of my status, I did message her back the night of our original message.
So this whole, "let's have a baby" thing is obviously very emotional. I have ALWAYS been a very logical person - every decision I make, up until we lost Noah, has primarily been based off of what makes the most sense. But after loosing Noah, I've really struggled in this dichotomy of logic and feeling. I was so SO sick with Noah, it makes absolutely NO sense what so ever that we would want to try again. Then we loose another baby and here we are, still not willing to give up.. but it makes no logical sense - it is all purely emotional. And well, of course, this doesn't make sense to me.. so I've been really wrestling with these two things.
So of course, I've been looking for places to make logical decisions.. and the only one right now that I can come up with is who will primarily care for me when were pregnant again. So casually when meeting with my MFM, she said that one of the doctors did his residency in her office.. and that sometimes he just calls her on a whim to ask her a quick question.. She said that and I was like.. ugh, JACKPOT. I need that doctor. A doctor who won't be intimidated by my MFM, someone who understands how she communicates and is just generally more comfortable with her and won't freak out! It will, hopefully, help me stay calm when changes or alterations come in our path towards a healthy pregnancy.
So anyways, this of course makes me feel sad because I love my midwife so so much but I know and she knows, I'm outside of her training. And well, a few weeks ago I asked her if I should see someone else and she initially said no but then was like well maybe if I can help co-manage with one of the doctors at her practice that might be the best solution.
Of course, right now, I'm not pregnant, I don't intend on becoming pregnant any time soon but through this email system, I was kinda able to tell her about my thought process and let her know I was going to be seeing another doctor and hopefully she could help co-manage one day.
I really hate leaving things unsaid - like just being in a place of no closure. And while this isn't closure, I'm still able to say, this is what I've decided and I don't want you to be surprised. And yes, this is ONE logical decision I can make and feel good about. I know she's invested in me and my family so it's important to me to tell her.