There have been many times through out my grief journey that I couldn't properly articulate my feelings - well and really, I could hardly understand them. Which for me, is really weird because I've always thought of myself as a very introspective person - a person who was in tune with her emotions and ability to process significant events throughout my life.
I distinctly remember the first time it happened after Noah. My husband and I were at the doctors meeting with our midwife. This was probably 1-2 weeks after being discharged from the hospital.
Shortly after we lost Noah, Wayne says to me, well, you know we could get a dog.. And I, of course, super fragile and raw, probably crying, said to him, I don't want a dog anymore.. I want my baby. Now the back story is, that I have FOREVER wanted a dog... until we got pregnant. Getting a dog made me sick just thinking about getting a dog vs having a baby.
So we're sitting talking with our midwife and I tell her this story.. and she looked at me, basically into my soul, and said, "you want(ed) to start a family." And I was just like.. um yes, that is exactly how I've been feeling but had no logical words to articulate it. Frankly, I had NO idea why I didn't want a dog anymore but in an instance she was able to pull out everything my soul was feeling.
This type of thing has occurred a few other times - but they just haven't been as memorable as that time until the other day with my therapist.
I mean, of course, therapists their job is to be a reflection of you back to yourself as your talking and attempting to process through the issues you're dealing with, so it's really not THAT surprising but we were talking about grieving. As well, at this point, I know there's no right or wrong way to grieve and you just kinda have to go with it - and truly it's something that I'll be dealing with for the rest of my life.
So anyways, she's talking about my grief - "you're grieving the loss of your baby, the traumatic experience of your son's birth, and you're grieving the loss of yourself. You're different now. You can't go back - your experience has changed you and changed you very quickly. And I hear you saying that you don't like who you've become because of these experiences, but you can't go back and so you've lost your old self."
It might not seem earth-shattering but for me, my mind has been blown!
I hate this sad, sad person that I am. I hate that I'm angry at parts of my "family." I just hate having to go on when all I really want to do is die. I look at myself - like into my soul - and I'm just disgusted with who I've become - self centered, impatient, annoyed with people who splatter their babies all over social media. The constant empty feeling - not knowing when/if things will be better. Will I ever be able to carry a baby? - is a constant question looming over my head and my heart. A perceived pressure from the outside world of either - are you going to have a baby or what's wrong with you that having a baby isn't easy like it is for most people?
And then there's guilt - as a pretty spiritual person - I SHOULD be fulfilled by Christ alone but I feel so empty. God should be my everything and I should be grateful because I am saved - but I've never felt more empty - so again, this dichotomy of feeling vs thinking/logic. I haven't the foggiest idea on how to reconcile this debate in my head.
But, I'm kinda feeling like.. one thing at a time - even though I know I'll probably have to come back to the loss of myself even when I think I'm done. And truthfully, I'm hoping that if I just kinda let things go, hopefully some of my old self will return.
I distinctly remember the first time it happened after Noah. My husband and I were at the doctors meeting with our midwife. This was probably 1-2 weeks after being discharged from the hospital.
Shortly after we lost Noah, Wayne says to me, well, you know we could get a dog.. And I, of course, super fragile and raw, probably crying, said to him, I don't want a dog anymore.. I want my baby. Now the back story is, that I have FOREVER wanted a dog... until we got pregnant. Getting a dog made me sick just thinking about getting a dog vs having a baby.
So we're sitting talking with our midwife and I tell her this story.. and she looked at me, basically into my soul, and said, "you want(ed) to start a family." And I was just like.. um yes, that is exactly how I've been feeling but had no logical words to articulate it. Frankly, I had NO idea why I didn't want a dog anymore but in an instance she was able to pull out everything my soul was feeling.
This type of thing has occurred a few other times - but they just haven't been as memorable as that time until the other day with my therapist.
I mean, of course, therapists their job is to be a reflection of you back to yourself as your talking and attempting to process through the issues you're dealing with, so it's really not THAT surprising but we were talking about grieving. As well, at this point, I know there's no right or wrong way to grieve and you just kinda have to go with it - and truly it's something that I'll be dealing with for the rest of my life.
So anyways, she's talking about my grief - "you're grieving the loss of your baby, the traumatic experience of your son's birth, and you're grieving the loss of yourself. You're different now. You can't go back - your experience has changed you and changed you very quickly. And I hear you saying that you don't like who you've become because of these experiences, but you can't go back and so you've lost your old self."
It might not seem earth-shattering but for me, my mind has been blown!
I hate this sad, sad person that I am. I hate that I'm angry at parts of my "family." I just hate having to go on when all I really want to do is die. I look at myself - like into my soul - and I'm just disgusted with who I've become - self centered, impatient, annoyed with people who splatter their babies all over social media. The constant empty feeling - not knowing when/if things will be better. Will I ever be able to carry a baby? - is a constant question looming over my head and my heart. A perceived pressure from the outside world of either - are you going to have a baby or what's wrong with you that having a baby isn't easy like it is for most people?
And then there's guilt - as a pretty spiritual person - I SHOULD be fulfilled by Christ alone but I feel so empty. God should be my everything and I should be grateful because I am saved - but I've never felt more empty - so again, this dichotomy of feeling vs thinking/logic. I haven't the foggiest idea on how to reconcile this debate in my head.
But, I'm kinda feeling like.. one thing at a time - even though I know I'll probably have to come back to the loss of myself even when I think I'm done. And truthfully, I'm hoping that if I just kinda let things go, hopefully some of my old self will return.