Yesterday I met up with my therapist. It honestly felt like it had been a while since I had seen her, but I think we had only missed a week. I really wasn't too sure what to talk about. If I'm being honest to myself, I have been holding something back, something that is pretty scary for me to talk about but over the weekend it kind of all came to a head.
I've alluded to some issues that I've had to face with my dad but over the weekend I finally expressed my anger and frustration to someone besides my husband - my mom.
Saturday was my dad's birthday. It also was the last time I'll see my brother for several months while he's deployed. While I would have much rather boycotted my dad's birthday by saying nothing to him, I decided that it was more important to say goodbye to my brother. So being a good daughter, we met up with dad for his birthday.
My dad is always one of those people who when he calls to "talk/catch up" you do all the listening and then when he's done telling you god knows what, he says, okay, talk to you later! So essentially, I've always been this dumping ground listening to his problems. There's never really been true concern for me on the other end of the phone. This has been particularly clear over the past year after loosing Noah. The most I get from my dad in terms of his actual "care" is "how are you doing." Now, my "dad" broke my trust quite a while ago and I've always tried to brush it off and just try to accept him as the person he is but I'm basically at the end of the line with him these days. And frankly, it's a hard reality for me to swallow.
My dad has never really taught me well when it comes to being angry at family members. Over the course of my life, he's gone from writing people off to being family again to writing them off and never speaking to them ever. Over and over again, I'd have to listen to my dad rant about how angry he was at his family. I've always thought this was an absolutely ridiculous way to treat people, particularly family. I always thought it was incredibly immature. And yet, here I am, so angry at him and his family that I want to write them off and never talk to them again.
But writing people off feel SO wrong to me. It feels completely immature - childish. That I wouldn't address my issues with them and then move on. But to my therapists point, they've broken my trust, the have shown me that they don't care about me or any of the struggles that I've faced. THEY HAVEN'T EVEN ADDRESSED THAT I LOST MY CHILD, FOR CHRIST SAKE. Not even to mention that I faced and overcame DEATH. I haven't heard a word from them. I was in the hospital for 9 days - 3 in the ICU.. guess how many times my dad came to visit... zero, 0, nil, none. Not once did he drive 4 hours (that I do regularly to see him) to see me, or my son, or his grandson. He just left it to mom, like he's done... my whole life. Yet, somehow, the second weekend I was in the hospital.. he made down to Texas to visit his girlfriend. And somehow, it feels wrong to hold that against them.
It's worth noting that one of my aunts, married into the family, did reach out - she sent me a beautiful gift and a card for Wayne after he lost his dad on Noah's birthday. A simple gesture that has brought some peace but has also highlighted the fact that no one else has given a fuck.
So, once again I'm caught in this dichotomy. I don't want to feel badly towards them but I also feel like I don't have to go out of my way to care for them in the same way they haven't given a damn about me.
And at the end of my session, well really though out my session yesterday, my therapist was like, yeah, we've got some work to do here. And I know she's right, which is probably why I've avoided the subject. Anger makes me extremely uncomfortable - I'd rather just back it away in a deep dark place in my heart and forget about it. I don't really want to deal with it but I also want to live a normal life - I don't want to have to keep talking myself off the ledge or be up in the middle of the night thinking about it - so we'll just have to unpack it and figure out how to move forward. And well, my therapist suggested that it might be time to let my dad go - that he might not be worth the hurt he causes and through the work she and I will do - I may feel normal... peaceful again. But it's going to take some work.
I've alluded to some issues that I've had to face with my dad but over the weekend I finally expressed my anger and frustration to someone besides my husband - my mom.
Saturday was my dad's birthday. It also was the last time I'll see my brother for several months while he's deployed. While I would have much rather boycotted my dad's birthday by saying nothing to him, I decided that it was more important to say goodbye to my brother. So being a good daughter, we met up with dad for his birthday.
My dad is always one of those people who when he calls to "talk/catch up" you do all the listening and then when he's done telling you god knows what, he says, okay, talk to you later! So essentially, I've always been this dumping ground listening to his problems. There's never really been true concern for me on the other end of the phone. This has been particularly clear over the past year after loosing Noah. The most I get from my dad in terms of his actual "care" is "how are you doing." Now, my "dad" broke my trust quite a while ago and I've always tried to brush it off and just try to accept him as the person he is but I'm basically at the end of the line with him these days. And frankly, it's a hard reality for me to swallow.
My dad has never really taught me well when it comes to being angry at family members. Over the course of my life, he's gone from writing people off to being family again to writing them off and never speaking to them ever. Over and over again, I'd have to listen to my dad rant about how angry he was at his family. I've always thought this was an absolutely ridiculous way to treat people, particularly family. I always thought it was incredibly immature. And yet, here I am, so angry at him and his family that I want to write them off and never talk to them again.
But writing people off feel SO wrong to me. It feels completely immature - childish. That I wouldn't address my issues with them and then move on. But to my therapists point, they've broken my trust, the have shown me that they don't care about me or any of the struggles that I've faced. THEY HAVEN'T EVEN ADDRESSED THAT I LOST MY CHILD, FOR CHRIST SAKE. Not even to mention that I faced and overcame DEATH. I haven't heard a word from them. I was in the hospital for 9 days - 3 in the ICU.. guess how many times my dad came to visit... zero, 0, nil, none. Not once did he drive 4 hours (that I do regularly to see him) to see me, or my son, or his grandson. He just left it to mom, like he's done... my whole life. Yet, somehow, the second weekend I was in the hospital.. he made down to Texas to visit his girlfriend. And somehow, it feels wrong to hold that against them.
It's worth noting that one of my aunts, married into the family, did reach out - she sent me a beautiful gift and a card for Wayne after he lost his dad on Noah's birthday. A simple gesture that has brought some peace but has also highlighted the fact that no one else has given a fuck.
So, once again I'm caught in this dichotomy. I don't want to feel badly towards them but I also feel like I don't have to go out of my way to care for them in the same way they haven't given a damn about me.
And at the end of my session, well really though out my session yesterday, my therapist was like, yeah, we've got some work to do here. And I know she's right, which is probably why I've avoided the subject. Anger makes me extremely uncomfortable - I'd rather just back it away in a deep dark place in my heart and forget about it. I don't really want to deal with it but I also want to live a normal life - I don't want to have to keep talking myself off the ledge or be up in the middle of the night thinking about it - so we'll just have to unpack it and figure out how to move forward. And well, my therapist suggested that it might be time to let my dad go - that he might not be worth the hurt he causes and through the work she and I will do - I may feel normal... peaceful again. But it's going to take some work.