I'm really not too sure what to say here.
No real major updates this week. I've had a fairly emotionally stable week - which is good. Although, I don't know if it's me being emotionally disconnected/detaching. I had a lot of anxiety around all of our "firsts" - having to relive everything - it's like ripping open the scab. So, naturally, I've been waiting to have to relive our FB announcement - which was yesterday.. So now that it's passed, I think I'm good for a while. But I think what is the strange part about that whole thing is that I really didn't cry yesterday. I've been finding that I'm getting more choked up then anything else.. like I have the sensation of sadness, and all the physical bodily reactions like I'm going to cry, but then I don't and the emotion passes rather quickly.
For instance, in my state, there was a police officer who was killed her first day on the job - internally, I have a lot of reaction to this - it's devastating to me. But no actual tears.
I think it's possible that I am just tired of crying - I've been crying almost a year now - it's exhausting. And recently, I've been sleeping like garbage - just up frequently and for extended periods of time. I try to convince myself to go back to sleep.. but I just can't.
Well, I guess there's an explanation to that - there's a chance I may be pregnant so that's been weighing on my mine tremendously. I should know something by mid next week - but it's just such a weight to carry around. I need a break from it. So hopefully next month, we'll be a little more careful so we completely miss my window. I need a break from thinking about babies. And worrying. And obsessing. And changing my diet. And well, just everything related to that topic.
We do want to try again - maybe May or June is what I'm thinking but I just need some time off- and well so does Wayne.
He's been all over emotionally recently too. He's headed to close up his dad's house to prepare it to put on the market. It's basically the last thing that needs to be done to wrap up his dad's life. He told me yesterday morning that he cried the whole way to work. In some ways, I'm glad he's able to express his emotion but I hate that it's killing him. He hasn't been sleeping well either. We're very close to Noah's first birthday - only 54 more days. That's shocking to me- makes me want to cry.
How can it be? Just simply, how?
No real major updates this week. I've had a fairly emotionally stable week - which is good. Although, I don't know if it's me being emotionally disconnected/detaching. I had a lot of anxiety around all of our "firsts" - having to relive everything - it's like ripping open the scab. So, naturally, I've been waiting to have to relive our FB announcement - which was yesterday.. So now that it's passed, I think I'm good for a while. But I think what is the strange part about that whole thing is that I really didn't cry yesterday. I've been finding that I'm getting more choked up then anything else.. like I have the sensation of sadness, and all the physical bodily reactions like I'm going to cry, but then I don't and the emotion passes rather quickly.
For instance, in my state, there was a police officer who was killed her first day on the job - internally, I have a lot of reaction to this - it's devastating to me. But no actual tears.
I think it's possible that I am just tired of crying - I've been crying almost a year now - it's exhausting. And recently, I've been sleeping like garbage - just up frequently and for extended periods of time. I try to convince myself to go back to sleep.. but I just can't.
Well, I guess there's an explanation to that - there's a chance I may be pregnant so that's been weighing on my mine tremendously. I should know something by mid next week - but it's just such a weight to carry around. I need a break from it. So hopefully next month, we'll be a little more careful so we completely miss my window. I need a break from thinking about babies. And worrying. And obsessing. And changing my diet. And well, just everything related to that topic.
We do want to try again - maybe May or June is what I'm thinking but I just need some time off- and well so does Wayne.
He's been all over emotionally recently too. He's headed to close up his dad's house to prepare it to put on the market. It's basically the last thing that needs to be done to wrap up his dad's life. He told me yesterday morning that he cried the whole way to work. In some ways, I'm glad he's able to express his emotion but I hate that it's killing him. He hasn't been sleeping well either. We're very close to Noah's first birthday - only 54 more days. That's shocking to me- makes me want to cry.
How can it be? Just simply, how?