It's hard to know what to say right now. I'm still working through our most recent loss and waiting to hear from my doctors to explore other options.
A week ago Wednesday, I went in for my procedure. It kills me to think about it. While I know it wasn't an abortion, it felts very abortion like. In my head, I know it was the best choice because of all my issues. I was in a controlled environment and I really have minimal memories from the procedure.
There was one small blessing - a God wink, if you will. After being wheeled back to the pre-op area, the first nurse to introduce herself to me had the same name as my delivery nurse with Noah. Before I was knocked out, I told her a my brief story about Noah and how I felt just a little bit more at ease knowing that, although I wasn't with MY delivery nurse, someone by the same name was going to be caring for me and with me throughout my D&C.
I don't believe I saw her again post procedure and she certainly wasn't AS special as MY other nurse but sometimes you've just got to take what you can get. Ha.
So, I'm still working through the, hopefully, last little bleeding from removing the baby tissue. I have a follow-up appt with the Dr who did my surgery on Monday.
Since this most recent loss, I've been talking with a few people in a couple of online forums about different ways they managed a healthy pregnancy and their APS. Their treatment plans weren't much different from what I did but I'd like to explore them more with my MFM and possibly a hematologist. My concern is that the Lovenox I was put on wasn't working properly with my body - or I wasn't taking enough or didn't start it early enough. Additionally, my Rheumatologist has really made me feel like I've got clots all over my body and that I'm going to die at any time. (I really don't like him much even though I know his heart is in the right place) I feel nervous about confronting my MFM with attempting to vary my treatment as I really don't want to insult her so I've kind of been fixated on trying to plan out my approach so she knows I think a great deal of her but have talked to others who's plans 1) worked and 2) varied from what we did with my most recent loss.
In other news, my husband and I will be starting counseling this week. We're just jumping in with both feet meeting with a pastor from our church tonight and then a counselor who specializes in child/infant loss on Thursday.
I'm really searching for someone to tell me it's going to be okay and that this terrible, terrible pain will all be worth it. That's at least what I feel in my heart. But I also feel like deep down, no Dr will be able to guarantee me a baby. They just can't. They don't know.
So for now, I'm stuck in the limbo. Trying to find other things to distract me so I don't have to think about it as much. I'm hoping the excitement of buying a house.. or at least looking into it will help keep my mind off of wanting to be a mom.
A week ago Wednesday, I went in for my procedure. It kills me to think about it. While I know it wasn't an abortion, it felts very abortion like. In my head, I know it was the best choice because of all my issues. I was in a controlled environment and I really have minimal memories from the procedure.
There was one small blessing - a God wink, if you will. After being wheeled back to the pre-op area, the first nurse to introduce herself to me had the same name as my delivery nurse with Noah. Before I was knocked out, I told her a my brief story about Noah and how I felt just a little bit more at ease knowing that, although I wasn't with MY delivery nurse, someone by the same name was going to be caring for me and with me throughout my D&C.
I don't believe I saw her again post procedure and she certainly wasn't AS special as MY other nurse but sometimes you've just got to take what you can get. Ha.
So, I'm still working through the, hopefully, last little bleeding from removing the baby tissue. I have a follow-up appt with the Dr who did my surgery on Monday.
Since this most recent loss, I've been talking with a few people in a couple of online forums about different ways they managed a healthy pregnancy and their APS. Their treatment plans weren't much different from what I did but I'd like to explore them more with my MFM and possibly a hematologist. My concern is that the Lovenox I was put on wasn't working properly with my body - or I wasn't taking enough or didn't start it early enough. Additionally, my Rheumatologist has really made me feel like I've got clots all over my body and that I'm going to die at any time. (I really don't like him much even though I know his heart is in the right place) I feel nervous about confronting my MFM with attempting to vary my treatment as I really don't want to insult her so I've kind of been fixated on trying to plan out my approach so she knows I think a great deal of her but have talked to others who's plans 1) worked and 2) varied from what we did with my most recent loss.
In other news, my husband and I will be starting counseling this week. We're just jumping in with both feet meeting with a pastor from our church tonight and then a counselor who specializes in child/infant loss on Thursday.
I'm really searching for someone to tell me it's going to be okay and that this terrible, terrible pain will all be worth it. That's at least what I feel in my heart. But I also feel like deep down, no Dr will be able to guarantee me a baby. They just can't. They don't know.
So for now, I'm stuck in the limbo. Trying to find other things to distract me so I don't have to think about it as much. I'm hoping the excitement of buying a house.. or at least looking into it will help keep my mind off of wanting to be a mom.