In the past year, I have spent a great majority of my time worrying.
When I found out I was pregnant I worried - we were in the process of moving, changing jobs, and starting a new (more expensive) life. I worried about insurance when transitioning to my new job from my old job. I worried that the insurance company would see my pregnancy as a "pre-existing condition" and for whatever reason wouldn't cover my pregnancy. I worried that my insurance would lapse and there would be complications with that.
I worried that my new boss wouldn't be supportive.
I worried that I wouldn't have enough leave to make it to 6 weeks postpartum to get our kid into day care. I worried about not qualifying for FMLA and not having access to short term disability.
I had financial worries - that my husband wouldn't find a job in our new home. I worried about added expenses both related to the baby and not.
And none of these begin to describe my worry that I had for our actual baby.
Maybe people don't worry as much as I did with my pregnancy with Noah, but I worried about everything - and particularly I worried about loosing him. I was very uneasy my whole pregnancy. It's almost as if I knew that something was going to go wrong with my pregnancy or (and I don't really believe this but) if my worry caused my pregnancy loss - like a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I was very anxious over my first doctors appointment. Luckily, although he hadn't transitioned to our new home from our old, my husband was able to be there for our first appointment. This appointment, where you see the baby for the first time, you hear the heart beat - the most magical moment of my life, thus far. We both cried when we saw his little heart beat and saw him wiggling around - it was moving, mysterious and everything beautiful in the world all wrapped into 5-10 minutes. And we heard the words every moms longs for from our midwife - he's perfect in every way.
I can say for those moments, that blink of an eye, I relaxed a little. Our little baby, happily showing off his little moves for us. I loved it. The happiest moment in my life.
So worry and anxiety, to me, have always been rooted in trying to prepare myself for the worst. This was so true during my pregnancy. I tried to imagine myself loosing him. Almost trying to create an emotional separation - as if loosing him wouldn't be that bad - particularly during the first trimester. Pregnancy loss is more "normal" during that time and somehow, in my mind that meant that I wouldn't hurt as much if we did loose him during that first trimester.
And a few days later - we were out of the first trimester - and while I still worried that something might go wrong - I really began letting my guard down and really started accepting that WE WERE GOING TO HAVE A BABY. We were just so excited. I remember well into our second trimester looking at my husband (many times) and saying to him, I can't believe I'm making you a daddy or I can't believe we're going to be parents.
And then 6ish weeks later - I began falling sick - and my greatest nightmares came true. We lost our baby.
Fear had a hold on my pregnancy - a hold on me - and the truth is, no matter how much I worried about loosing my son, no amount of worrying could have emotionally prepared me for loosing him.
In retrospect, I feel like I wasted, what should have been a very joyful and special time in my life by drowning myself in fear. I was so uneasy in my pregnancy. And what for? In attempts to emotionally separate myself from my child - to somehow protect my heart from devastation?
I'm sorry, but there is no amount of worry which could have prepared myself for loosing him. I fell in love the moment I read "pregnant" on the pregnancy test.
As I move forward, as we move forward - I hope. I hope that I'm able to fully embrace a future pregnancy and truly enjoy it - even though pregnancy loss, child loss come at a great emotional price.
There is nothing that could have prepared me for the devastation I have been working through - nothing.
So here's to a future pregnancy. One filled with less worry, more hope, continued wonder, excellent doctor care and a whole heck of a lot of prayer.
(I know, a heck of a lot easier said than done.. but I think if I say it enough times, hopefully I'll convince myself of this truth!)
When I found out I was pregnant I worried - we were in the process of moving, changing jobs, and starting a new (more expensive) life. I worried about insurance when transitioning to my new job from my old job. I worried that the insurance company would see my pregnancy as a "pre-existing condition" and for whatever reason wouldn't cover my pregnancy. I worried that my insurance would lapse and there would be complications with that.
I worried that my new boss wouldn't be supportive.
I worried that I wouldn't have enough leave to make it to 6 weeks postpartum to get our kid into day care. I worried about not qualifying for FMLA and not having access to short term disability.
I had financial worries - that my husband wouldn't find a job in our new home. I worried about added expenses both related to the baby and not.
And none of these begin to describe my worry that I had for our actual baby.
Maybe people don't worry as much as I did with my pregnancy with Noah, but I worried about everything - and particularly I worried about loosing him. I was very uneasy my whole pregnancy. It's almost as if I knew that something was going to go wrong with my pregnancy or (and I don't really believe this but) if my worry caused my pregnancy loss - like a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I was very anxious over my first doctors appointment. Luckily, although he hadn't transitioned to our new home from our old, my husband was able to be there for our first appointment. This appointment, where you see the baby for the first time, you hear the heart beat - the most magical moment of my life, thus far. We both cried when we saw his little heart beat and saw him wiggling around - it was moving, mysterious and everything beautiful in the world all wrapped into 5-10 minutes. And we heard the words every moms longs for from our midwife - he's perfect in every way.
I can say for those moments, that blink of an eye, I relaxed a little. Our little baby, happily showing off his little moves for us. I loved it. The happiest moment in my life.
So worry and anxiety, to me, have always been rooted in trying to prepare myself for the worst. This was so true during my pregnancy. I tried to imagine myself loosing him. Almost trying to create an emotional separation - as if loosing him wouldn't be that bad - particularly during the first trimester. Pregnancy loss is more "normal" during that time and somehow, in my mind that meant that I wouldn't hurt as much if we did loose him during that first trimester.
And a few days later - we were out of the first trimester - and while I still worried that something might go wrong - I really began letting my guard down and really started accepting that WE WERE GOING TO HAVE A BABY. We were just so excited. I remember well into our second trimester looking at my husband (many times) and saying to him, I can't believe I'm making you a daddy or I can't believe we're going to be parents.
And then 6ish weeks later - I began falling sick - and my greatest nightmares came true. We lost our baby.
Fear had a hold on my pregnancy - a hold on me - and the truth is, no matter how much I worried about loosing my son, no amount of worrying could have emotionally prepared me for loosing him.
In retrospect, I feel like I wasted, what should have been a very joyful and special time in my life by drowning myself in fear. I was so uneasy in my pregnancy. And what for? In attempts to emotionally separate myself from my child - to somehow protect my heart from devastation?
I'm sorry, but there is no amount of worry which could have prepared myself for loosing him. I fell in love the moment I read "pregnant" on the pregnancy test.
As I move forward, as we move forward - I hope. I hope that I'm able to fully embrace a future pregnancy and truly enjoy it - even though pregnancy loss, child loss come at a great emotional price.
There is nothing that could have prepared me for the devastation I have been working through - nothing.
So here's to a future pregnancy. One filled with less worry, more hope, continued wonder, excellent doctor care and a whole heck of a lot of prayer.
(I know, a heck of a lot easier said than done.. but I think if I say it enough times, hopefully I'll convince myself of this truth!)