I haven't written in a while.. Mostly because the Sunday after thanksgiving, we received wonderfully exciting news that I wasn't ready to share. But we got a positive pregnancy test! Two of them actually! (We never told my dad, so please don't tell him)
We really weren't all that surprised because we started trying the month before and overall I had been pretty diligent about timing our 'baby dance.' Either way, we were ecstatic!
we called our moms immediately so they could begin praying for a healthy and safe pregnancy. We probably called a few others but they really were the only ones who knew.
I called my doctor the next day to schedule an ultrasound- we were able to get in just 2 weeks later, I would be 7 weeks.
So naturally, I was nervous for the next 2 weeks wondering if there was an actually baby developing. 2 weeks finally passed, and there we were back with our fabulous midwife. In goes the probe and there we saw our little blueberry baby! Truthfully, just looked like a little blob, but it had a heartbeat and otherwise looked good. My midwife was a little concerned at the heartbeat was measuring a little slow, 108, still normal but on the slow side. So she wanted us to come back in 2 weeks for a follow up ultrasound to make sure the heart rate came up.
That put us at New Year's Eve for our appt. Yesterday. So we went in, the women began looking at all of my other woman parts and because of her positioning, I couldn't see what she was looking at. I kept asking, do you see a heartbeat?!? And she was like, I'm looking at your overies right now. But finally after, what felt like 10 minutes, she got to the baby.
No heartbeat. The baby measured about 4 days smaller then it should have been. 8wk,4d vs 9wk,1d.
I couldn't and can't believe it. Another dead baby (forgive my frankness). All our plans, all our hope, shattered again.
Now, I sit here at home, praying an odd prayer, to pass this baby naturally to avoid surgery. But I sit here dumbfounded.. Are we not meant to have kids? How many more of these will I be able to take? I am desprite for our own child, a full term pregnancy, but how much heartache will I be able to handle? And now I feel like a beatiful rainbow baby in 2016 is not a possibility. Were just not going to be ready to try again already.. And probably not for a while.. Like at least 6 months. And my heart is sad, devastated.
I'm tried of waiting. I wanted my baby who was due in September.. And if we couldn't have him, I wanted this baby who would have been due in July. I want to hold my own infant. I want to raise a child. And I feel like I'm running out of time as my husband is older.
Here we are, 2 pregnancies, 2 losses. And I wonder if this is just the beginning of our heartache or not.
To be continued
We really weren't all that surprised because we started trying the month before and overall I had been pretty diligent about timing our 'baby dance.' Either way, we were ecstatic!
we called our moms immediately so they could begin praying for a healthy and safe pregnancy. We probably called a few others but they really were the only ones who knew.
I called my doctor the next day to schedule an ultrasound- we were able to get in just 2 weeks later, I would be 7 weeks.
So naturally, I was nervous for the next 2 weeks wondering if there was an actually baby developing. 2 weeks finally passed, and there we were back with our fabulous midwife. In goes the probe and there we saw our little blueberry baby! Truthfully, just looked like a little blob, but it had a heartbeat and otherwise looked good. My midwife was a little concerned at the heartbeat was measuring a little slow, 108, still normal but on the slow side. So she wanted us to come back in 2 weeks for a follow up ultrasound to make sure the heart rate came up.
That put us at New Year's Eve for our appt. Yesterday. So we went in, the women began looking at all of my other woman parts and because of her positioning, I couldn't see what she was looking at. I kept asking, do you see a heartbeat?!? And she was like, I'm looking at your overies right now. But finally after, what felt like 10 minutes, she got to the baby.
No heartbeat. The baby measured about 4 days smaller then it should have been. 8wk,4d vs 9wk,1d.
I couldn't and can't believe it. Another dead baby (forgive my frankness). All our plans, all our hope, shattered again.
Now, I sit here at home, praying an odd prayer, to pass this baby naturally to avoid surgery. But I sit here dumbfounded.. Are we not meant to have kids? How many more of these will I be able to take? I am desprite for our own child, a full term pregnancy, but how much heartache will I be able to handle? And now I feel like a beatiful rainbow baby in 2016 is not a possibility. Were just not going to be ready to try again already.. And probably not for a while.. Like at least 6 months. And my heart is sad, devastated.
I'm tried of waiting. I wanted my baby who was due in September.. And if we couldn't have him, I wanted this baby who would have been due in July. I want to hold my own infant. I want to raise a child. And I feel like I'm running out of time as my husband is older.
Here we are, 2 pregnancies, 2 losses. And I wonder if this is just the beginning of our heartache or not.
To be continued